Cogito, Ergo Doleo

[This is a post I actually wrote a couple of weeks ago, and I just decided to type it up as well.]

Do you ever wish you could just stop thinking? Not just about bad things but about good ones as well? I do.

In fact, I’ve discovered that thinking may just be one of the nastiest side effects of my divorce. Especially given that I do have pretty good memory and can recall things that have happened with me in quite some detail…

Every marriage has good moments, even those that end in divorce. Every husband compliments his wife sometime, even those that choose to leave their wives (my guess is they didn’t sincerely mean those compliments, or chose to forget the good in their wives – who knows). My marriage and ex were no exception. I had some wonderful moments in my short marriage. I actually had a lot of wonderful moments. Looking back I do realise that those moments had to do with more effort on my part, not my ex, but I digress.

I remember times in my marriage when I felt really happy. When I would make my husband laugh and he would make me laugh. When I would receive plenty of compliments from my husband. That too very regularly. And remembering that hurts.

As I mentioned in a previous post, my ex has been making what has already become a nasty divorce even nastier. The amount of stress and emotional exhaustion he has been causing for me for the past 6 months is ridiculous. I try to deal with it as best I can. Actually, I think I am dealing rather well with the nasty bits.

The part that is more difficult is my thoughts. Because every time he pulls some nasty stunt, I don’t just see him as the jerk he is being. I think back to the wonderful man I thought I married. The one, who claimed to love me the more than anyone else in the world, who was worried sick himself when I was ill, to the point that he rushed home from work mid-day because I didn’t pick up his call (I was in the shower). The man who complimented me every step of the way, not just to myself directly, but to my family. And these thoughts torture me, because I try to figure out who the real OH is. The man I was married to for a year and a half. Or the one I am now divorcing. Somehow I feel this one is the real deal… And I just never knew who he is.

I think, therefore I suffer.

Wish I had been told some of these when I was a teenager!

Sara Bran

1.Choose a personal theme tune early on and stick with it. This is extremely useful for the cinematic enhancement of dramatic life moments such as break-ups, anniversaries and celebrations. It will also provide comfort during time spent on runways waiting for Easy Jet flights to take off (approx. 98 hours in the average lifetime),  childbirth and terrible sex. My theme tune for example, is Saturday Night Fever and when my daughters were born, there was only wah-wah guitar in my head. That and the vision John Travolta’s white nylon-clad buttocks. But that’s Pethidine for you.

2. Enjoy those perky nugga nuggas. One day you will be able to tune into Radio 4 with them.

3. Laugh often. Some day this will be accompanied by small amounts of wee.

4. Whereas I could floss my teeth with your underwear, you could raise a small family of baboons in mine.

5. When…

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Why I Need To Write More.

I know I haven’t been blogging of late. Actually, I haven’t written anything in a long time.

Initially the reason for not being to write was that I was incredibly busy recently. My wonderful cousin is having a baby soon, and I was busy planning her entire baby shower. All my preparations, for what I hope will be a grand and fun baby shower, are now complete and I am just waiting for the actual day to throw the party.

The main reason for not writing though is that I don’t find myself in the right frame of mind to write. Once again complications have arisen in my already nasty separation/divorce process. And although I seem fine on the surface, I don’t feel so good mentally and emotionally. I can’t seem to concentrate on and enjoy the things I love doing in my alone time.

I think of topics I want to write about and find myself unable to type a word. I have also kind of given up on reading ‘The Happiness Project’.

Actually… If I am really honest, I gave up on that book a while ago. I reached Chapter 2, read the first page of the chapter, put down the book and haven’t been able to pick it up again. Chapter 2, called ‘Remember Love’, is about the author’s decision to find more happiness and satisfaction out of an already happy and loving marriage.

Maybe it’s just me, but that’s the last thing a person going through a divorce wants to read about. Especially a person who fought hard, day and night, to make her marriage work; happy, full of love and respect. And failed. Not because she gave up or didn’t do enough. But because her partner never made an effort himself; or appreciated hers.

I need to find my way out of this funk. Maybe I just need to force myself to write, like I did today. It soothes me.