Cogito, Ergo Doleo

[This is a post I actually wrote a couple of weeks ago, and I just decided to type it up as well.]

Do you ever wish you could just stop thinking? Not just about bad things but about good ones as well? I do.

In fact, I’ve discovered that thinking may just be one of the nastiest side effects of my divorce. Especially given that I do have pretty good memory and can recall things that have happened with me in quite some detail…

Every marriage has good moments, even those that end in divorce. Every husband compliments his wife sometime, even those that choose to leave their wives (my guess is they didn’t sincerely mean those compliments, or chose to forget the good in their wives – who knows). My marriage and ex were no exception. I had some wonderful moments in my short marriage. I actually had a lot of wonderful moments. Looking back I do realise that those moments had to do with more effort on my part, not my ex, but I digress.

I remember times in my marriage when I felt really happy. When I would make my husband laugh and he would make me laugh. When I would receive plenty of compliments from my husband. That too very regularly. And remembering that hurts.

As I mentioned in a previous post, my ex has been making what has already become a nasty divorce even nastier. The amount of stress and emotional exhaustion he has been causing for me for the past 6 months is ridiculous. I try to deal with it as best I can. Actually, I think I am dealing rather well with the nasty bits.

The part that is more difficult is my thoughts. Because every time he pulls some nasty stunt, I don’t just see him as the jerk he is being. I think back to the wonderful man I thought I married. The one, who claimed to love me the more than anyone else in the world, who was worried sick himself when I was ill, to the point that he rushed home from work mid-day because I didn’t pick up his call (I was in the shower). The man who complimented me every step of the way, not just to myself directly, but to my family. And these thoughts torture me, because I try to figure out who the real OH is. The man I was married to for a year and a half. Or the one I am now divorcing. Somehow I feel this one is the real deal… And I just never knew who he is.

I think, therefore I suffer.

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